And For The Last Night I Lie......Could I Lie Next To You?
Dramafreak999
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Name: Emily
Country: United States
State: Delaware
Metro: Dover
Birthday: 8/31/1988
Gender: Female


Interests: Writing, comics, Harley Quinn, Batman, trees. Odd things.
Expertise: Writing. Shakespeare. Harley Quinn. English.
Occupation: Student- English Major
Industry: Writing


Message: message meEmail: email me


Member Since: 11/18/2003

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Friday, June 12, 2009

Currently
Pygmy
By Chuck Palahniuk
see related

Dream

For the past two nights, I've dreamed about my lady love. I dreamed that I was Harley and she was Ivy. Which is kinda like how it is in real life. I dreamed that we were making out and about to have sex, and we broke into this building together. It was amazing. Then I woke up. Sad. Because I know it's just a dream. And that's all it'll ever be. She kept talking about her bf last night, so I know she'll never leave him for me. She gave me another gift last night and a kiss. What is she doing? Does she think that just cuz we're both bi that we can kiss and stuff and just be friends? No. I love her. I want her all to my self! We'd be so perfect. We both love HQ and Bman and comics and fairy tales and I could go on and on.

Why does she act like she likes me when she won't be with me? It's really depressing me. I can never have the one I want. I'm such an idiot. I should know better than think someone can love a fuck up like me. Meh.

I can't tell her how I feel because I know she won't be with me. I'd rather still be her best friend than make everything all awkward. No use fucking up a friendship over a love that will never be.

Damnit.

 


Sunday, May 31, 2009

Currently
Relapse
By Eminem
see related

Labyrinth

I am fucking struggling. With my medications, my depression, my emotions. One day I feel great and I'm sure I have the answers but I never have the courage to see it though. I give up and do bad stuff again. It breaks down everything I've built.

Also, I'm in love.

She is the most amazing girl ever. Most amazing person ever. Every kiss leaves me wanting more and more and to always hold her forever. She makes me feel so good and happy. I've never felt this about anyone before. We hang out and snuggle and kiss and she gives me gifts. She's so romantic.

Problem: She has a boyfriend. She says she likes me and I know its obvious that I love her...I wouldn't ask her to leave her bf. But he lives far away. What is she doing kissing me and acting like we're dating if she has a bf? It hurts me because I want her all to my oddy knocky. I'm afrid to talk to her about it because I'm worried she'll be like "No I wasn't leading you on, that was just a friendly kiss" and stuff. I don't kiss my other friends on the lips and everything else. No one likes it that I am in love with a girl. So I can't talk about it to anyone. Idk what to do. I'm so lost. I just want her. I love her, I always have since I first saw her years ago. Oh she is all that I can think about. I'm so tormented and haunted. I told Sarah about this and shes just freaked out and thinks I'm gross for liking a girl. Ugh. I can never have what I want anyway. I should know that by now and give up. But she keeps giving some somthing more to hold on to everytime I decide to let it go. She gives me just enough to survive! I'm dying here!

I love her more than your mother loves you!  

Eugh. Work. I fucking hate Kohls.


Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Currently
Choke
By Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald, Kathryn Alexander, Teodorina Bello
see related

free

Chuck Palahniuk has changed the way I think. He has changed my life! I've read all his books and I just love them! The just go forth and do attitude is so sublime. Choke, Survivor, Diary, Haunted, Rant, Lullaby, Snuff, and now Pygmy. He is so great!

Existentialism at its best.

I have weeded out the bad entities around me and have surrounded myself with good. I am seeing my shrink again on Thrus and then I'm gonna see a new therapist. My life is so great. I was spared such a horrible fate. It's funny now that i look back on it.

I could be in her shoes. I can't help but laugh and laugh and laugh!!!

I love Ezra Pound. Harley Quinn tattoo... $110.00.  SOON! Chuck's gonna do it at Walls of Wonder! WOO!

 

I am at peace. I now realize the only demons I'm fighting are inside my head.


Saturday, April 11, 2009

"After all, is is what she deserves..."

I am in a very strange place right now. I am alone most of the time. I argue and compromise with myself about drug use. I know it's bad for me and I hate how it makes me feel the day after. It gives me heartburn and I am really noticing that I'm forgetting words, names, and other facts. I am so sad and lonely..angry. I feel very paranoid. I don't feel like my friends even care about it. They just feel sorry for me or something. Maybe they gain someone though me. idk what. They don't include me in things, I feel like I'm not part of the "circle" so much anymore. I just accept it and dont impose myself upon them.

No one knows about the dark beasts that lurk inside the cavern of my body. It hurts to keep them inside, it hurts to release them. I think about snuffing it. I want to, but I know I won't. I can't. I'm so stupid and I can't even put my own light out.

I use the chemicals to placate me. I don't like being concious. I like to be in an altered state of concisouness that buffers the pain and agony I am in all the time. That is why I weep as I take them, I don't like myself. I hate myself. I can't look into a mirror anymore. I am ugly and disgusting. I do these harmful things to myself to numb from the blunt trauma I am faced with every single day. It's like being hit in the head with a hammer all. the. time.

I have nightmares every single night. They are terrible, real, post apocolyptic or apoloclypic. I am in fear, I am running, something is after me to torture me and then kill me. Chasing me. I am so terrified I wake up sweating, shaking, crying. I can't go back to sleep. I won't. It's too terrifying. People I love dying or killing themselves because of ME. It's so awful. That is hell. I can't think of anything worse. My dreams torture me.

I feel very guilty for breaking up with Ryan. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I love him as a friend and that's why I never felt anything when we kissed or made love. I feel terrible that he is upset now and it's my fault. He doesn't deserve to be dragged down with me. I don't want to be responsible for that.

I am useless. I work a dead end job for $7.82 and hour. I've been there three years. I have all these papers and work to do for school. I'm working as hard as I can but it's not enough. I can't keep my GPA high enough for my scholarship.

I am just so depressed I want to sleep and just be unconcious everyday. I get headaches after each terrible nightmare that last until I fall asleep again.

I can't tell my psychaiatrist because she will commit me and I know I won't get out for a long time. You know how expensive that would be? My family can't afford that. I'm already a parasite enough as it is. A burdon. I can't tell anyone because they all judge me and yell at me. Even Sarah. I can't tell her anything anymore. It's all "You're stupid for thinking that" "You're dumb" "You're wrong".

I need to just back off and suck back into myself and not pull everyone down with me. Alone, it's not where I wanna be, but it's where I am safest and where I belong.

***

Daring as never before, wastage as never before.
Young blood and high blood,
Fair cheeks, and fine bodies;

fortitude as never before

frankness as never before,
disillusions as never told in the old days,
hysterias, trench confessions,
laughter out of dead bellies.

V
There died a myriad,
And of the best, among them,
For an old bitch gone in the teeth,
For a botched civilization.

Charm, smiling at the good mouth,
Quick eyes gone under earth's lid,

For two gross of broken statues,
For a few thousand battered books.

-my beloved Ezra Pound, from Hugh Selwyn Mauberley


Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Currently
Shakespeare's Macbeth
By William Shakespeare, Adam Sexton, Eve Grandt, Candice Chow
see related

i dont bite

that guy is driving me crazy. i want to just grab him and make him go on a date with me! all i ask is one night! gimme a god damn chance! i think hes so cute and wanna kiss him! im not asking to have his babies or marry him for chrissakes. ughh it makes me feel so ugly or undatable. what is this guys PROBLEM? meh. i know i should give up but hes so darn cute. hes so geeky. and awkward.

*i wants him!*  <-smeagol voice.

how come no ones lovess meeeeee?

meh.

<333



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