"After all, is is what she deserves..."I am in a very strange place right now. I am alone most of the time. I argue and compromise with myself about drug use. I know it's bad for me and I hate how it makes me feel the day after. It gives me heartburn and I am really noticing that I'm forgetting words, names, and other facts. I am so sad and lonely..angry. I feel very paranoid. I don't feel like my friends even care about it. They just feel sorry for me or something. Maybe they gain someone though me. idk what. They don't include me in things, I feel like I'm not part of the "circle" so much anymore. I just accept it and dont impose myself upon them. No one knows about the dark beasts that lurk inside the cavern of my body. It hurts to keep them inside, it hurts to release them. I think about snuffing it. I want to, but I know I won't. I can't. I'm so stupid and I can't even put my own light out. I use the chemicals to placate me. I don't like being concious. I like to be in an altered state of concisouness that buffers the pain and agony I am in all the time. That is why I weep as I take them, I don't like myself. I hate myself. I can't look into a mirror anymore. I am ugly and disgusting. I do these harmful things to myself to numb from the blunt trauma I am faced with every single day. It's like being hit in the head with a hammer all. the. time. I have nightmares every single night. They are terrible, real, post apocolyptic or apoloclypic. I am in fear, I am running, something is after me to torture me and then kill me. Chasing me. I am so terrified I wake up sweating, shaking, crying. I can't go back to sleep. I won't. It's too terrifying. People I love dying or killing themselves because of ME. It's so awful. That is hell. I can't think of anything worse. My dreams torture me. I feel very guilty for breaking up with Ryan. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I love him as a friend and that's why I never felt anything when we kissed or made love. I feel terrible that he is upset now and it's my fault. He doesn't deserve to be dragged down with me. I don't want to be responsible for that. I am useless. I work a dead end job for $7.82 and hour. I've been there three years. I have all these papers and work to do for school. I'm working as hard as I can but it's not enough. I can't keep my GPA high enough for my scholarship. I am just so depressed I want to sleep and just be unconcious everyday. I get headaches after each terrible nightmare that last until I fall asleep again. I can't tell my psychaiatrist because she will commit me and I know I won't get out for a long time. You know how expensive that would be? My family can't afford that. I'm already a parasite enough as it is. A burdon. I can't tell anyone because they all judge me and yell at me. Even Sarah. I can't tell her anything anymore. It's all "You're stupid for thinking that" "You're dumb" "You're wrong". I need to just back off and suck back into myself and not pull everyone down with me. Alone, it's not where I wanna be, but it's where I am safest and where I belong. *** Daring as never before, wastage as never before.
Young blood and high blood,
Fair cheeks, and fine bodies;
fortitude as never before
frankness as never before,
disillusions as never told in the old days,
hysterias, trench confessions,
laughter out of dead bellies.
V
There died a myriad,
And of the best, among them,
For an old bitch gone in the teeth,
For a botched civilization.
Charm, smiling at the good mouth,
Quick eyes gone under earth's lid,
For two gross of broken statues,
For a few thousand battered books. -my beloved Ezra Pound, from Hugh Selwyn Mauberley
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